Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Life throws you curve balls.
So.... yesterday I went out with my favorite person in the world. My ex-boyfriend. I'm absolutely CRAZY about him... we dated when we were in 8
th grade until November 9
th Freshman year... very close to a year. Anyway he picked me up and we started driving to a popular city near by to look at a car he was potentially going to buy. It was really fun and all, he was singing and being goofy and I was embarrassed as usual... I always feel embarrassed around him. Suddenly his dad calls and breaks our happy medium. He's a major dick and hates me with a passion so any time my ex wants to see me he has to sneak around to do it... his dad was kinda being irrationally angry and asking if he had his current girl friend in the car with him. Which he didn't, I was in the car, so it wasn't a total lie. SO his dad is being a total dick and my ex is kind of lost, we couldn't find 4
th street, so we drove around for a little while, smoked a cigarette (I don't smoke I just smoked one to make a point to him) and then once again his dad called. He was more pissed this time because he expected my ex to find the destination already, so like the ass hole he is he shortened the time he had and put more pressure on him. At this point my ex turns to me and says, "This is crazy I'm not going to be able to make it back...." I frowned at him, but didn't know what was coming next.
"Do you think it would be better if you left me here?" I said JOKINGLY.
"I couldn't do that to you......" he responded. His dad called again and bitched a little more. "I'm going to have to leave you here..." he said after he got off the phone.. I was devastated, never in my life had I expected him to actually take that seriously. "Do you think anyone would be able to pick you up?" he asked.
"I dunno..." I responded, immediately my mind started to play in my head what I would hear from my mom if she picked me up, or from my sister's boyfriend if I asked him. "My mom probably would be kind of pissed."
"What if (current girlfriend) were to pick you up?" he suggested.
I reacted obviously very unhappily.
"Would you be able to swallow your pride enough to allow that?" he asked.
That kind of hurt.... "I don't mind..." I responded.
"I'm so sorry, if it wasn't necessary I wouldn't do it." he responded sensing me being upset.
"It's alright" I said trying my best to keep my sanity, I wanted to cry right then and there, but what good would crying do. Crying prevents nothing, in the end the outcome is the same, or worse.
"I'm really sorry, please take off your sun glasses so I can see your okay." he said soothingly.
It took me a minute to respond... everything he was saying was making me well-up, I took off my sun glasses but I couldn't look at him.
He knew I was upset, he couldn't do anything about it, he couldn't make me feel any better at that point.
We arrived at the destination and walked to where the guy was waiting to show my ex the car. The whole time me walking a few steps behind him. He admired the car and then we test drove it, I sat in the back because it had been discussed previously that I should sit back there if the guy who owns the car comes too.
We pulled out of the vacant lot, "So," he asked the cars owner. "Where is the Oregon District." He then proceeded to tell the guy a short version of why he wanted to know where the Oregon District was.
Before I knew it we were there and my ex turned to me. "...but I don't know where to go or what to do.." I responded.
"There's a record store at the end of the street," the car owner responded, "It's a pretty well known landmark."
"Thank you" I responded to him. As I walked around the car and started down the alley way I looked at my ex. He looked emotionless... his usual look. I kept walking and went right down the street toward the record store. When I arrived I leaned up against the wall and started to cry. I was so shocked and upset at the whole situation. I attempted to call a few people I knew wouldn't be busy. The first two didn't pick up, then finally I got one of my closet friends who lives in Texas. I was so upset I told her everything that had just happened. I talked to her tearfully for at least 5 minutes when suddenly my
ex's current girlfriend called my name from the street across from me. I told my friend on the phone I'd text her and hung up. I waited for cars to pass and then ran across the street to my
ex's current girlfriend, she looked and felt irritated, her aura was giving it off... I wiped my eyes.
"Are you okay?" she asked trying to be nice but obviously not really caring weather or not I was actually okay.
"Yeah I'm fine." I responded, obviously not okay.
We began walking down the street, once again I was following her..
"You know he says he's really sorry." She said kind of irritated.
"I know." I said kind of coldly.
We walked a few blocks, she'd parked pretty far from my spot. I apologized a few times she said it was fine, but I couldn't believe her the tone of her voice gave all her emotion's away. We got in her car and she started to drive me home, it was so awkward I wanted to die... I thought about how pissed I would have been if my ex would have asked me to pick up one of his
exs if I was his girlfriend. We finally got to my house after a 20 minute drive, I thanked her again and said I really appreciated it, which I did... with out her I would have been stuck in the city alone. I shut the car door and started crying on my way to the front door of my house. I still don't know how to feel or go about what happened... he says he'll make it up to me... but I don't really believe him because he's said things similar before and never followed through. I just want the answer to come to me... hopefully I'll figure it out soon.
The End.
7:26 PM
Friday, April 17, 2009
All Alone.
All the time now I feel very alone, like there isn't anyone to talk to anymore. I have friends who care about me, and I'm aware of that. I don't feel inclined to talk to just anyone about my problems. I used to be able to talk about anything and everything with my boyfriend, but I no longer have him. I really miss it too, cause now when I need to talk about something I can't. I have to keep it balled up inside. I can only keep so much shit in me. I used to write when I was younger, when I was happy. I'm not happy. I dream of having a relationship again, just as wonderful as my previous one. Too bad my dreams can't come true sooner. I think I'll try writing again, because at least writing gets you away from your own problems for a while. If I come up with anything brilliant I'll share.
The End.
5:59 PM
Friday, January 16, 2009
Why?
All I can think about when I'm sad is how I want to be a little kid again. When everything was made better with kisses, band aids and lollipops. I don't want to be a growing teenager whose suffered heart break, is graduating in a few years and whose had sex at thirteen. I feel as though I've grown up way too fast. It was fun to go outside from dawn to dusk exhausted every night from all the fun we had. Now all I do is lay on the couch and sleep, occasionally going on an outing with a friend. That's another thing about growing up when your little there's barely any drama and you could have as many friends as you wanted. As far as you were concerned everyone was a friend. The minimal drama happened over silly things like lies and little kid crushes. But no matter what, eventually everything was fine, because you'd make up and be beast friends again. No one held grudges, because no one wanted to be friendless for long. I feel so far away from all that now, already going through what felt like true love, physical attachments and drugs. DRUGS, drugs are not worth the trouble they cause. I remain what feels like so alone in life. In fact more alone then I felt when I was in 7th grade. Complaining about stupid things such as "how life was so hard" and "being the only single girl my age". I was really an idiot when I look back on my preteen years. I just want to slap myself, because of my moody puberty enduring bitchiness. And if it was possible I would, but since it is not I can't so I guess for now I'll just have to deal with my issues like this.Labels: carelessness, childhood, life, rant, sadness, youth
The End.
8:40 PM
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Ever wonder...
You ever wonder what would happen if you were never born? What effect it might have on others lives you've been a part of? Think about it. Would your best friend have someone as close as you? someone they can relate so closely to? Would the girl you talk to in math class who always seems sad. Would she still be alive if you had not talked to her so nicely. Would your younger sister still be the same person? Or different because of the kinds of people she's trying to fit in with and impress. People don't take into account how there life effects others.Labels: life, never born
The End.
6:52 PM
